This summer, especially following this Covid-fraught school year, I want to revisit my Be more, teach less philosophy. Summer is often a good time to be more laid back when schoolwork is not looming. And this year especially, after the stress of remote learning, very little socializing, everyone at home on each other’s back, a good deal of simply being is called for.
Think of a favorite memory you have of a happy time with one of your parents. One that you have never forgotten, one that warms your heart. Was it a moment when your parent was teaching you something? I doubt it. My guess is that it was a time when you were just being together doing something fun or feeling loved and accepted by your parent – maybe you were being silly and laughing hard (that’s my memory).
In this context, by doing I mean, your focus on what your child is doing and the pressure in making that doing what you want it to be. It’s you doing to your child by telling him what to do. Does that make sense? Doing things together.
Spend time this summer focused more on making some of those being memories with your kids. While you are doing things together, put your energy on being rather than how it should be done. Even if your child is doing something she shouldn’t be doing, put more trust in her to know she made a mistake instead of harping on her with your corrections and criticisms.
I know what you’re thinking: How can I leave something bad alone û like hitting? How will he learn if I don’t give him a consequence? She has to learn that’s not okay. I get it. It’s a risk I am suggesting you take. Think of it as an experiment. Give it at least a month. If it’s something you fear needs teaching, simply say, “I know you know that was not okay. I trust that you are working on getting control over that.” And leave it there.
Children resist with all their might when they think we are against them – when we criticize, blame, threaten, lecture – when they don’t trust that we understand and accept them. To find their way, they need to trust us to trust them. We parent by the misconception that our job is to teach our children how to perform in the world, and if they don’t do it right (according to whom?), then they must be forced with some kind of manipulative, punitive tactic to get them on track. What track? Whose track? What if your child is meant to establish a new track or a track you don’t approve of? What if it’s a track that public schools don’t teach? What if it’s a developmental track that maturity will take care of?
Of course, there is unacceptable behavior that must change. Do you think your child doesn’t know that? Unacceptable behavior is far more prevalent when the child is resisting being treated unfairly and disrespectfully, when he does not feel acceptable to you. That unacceptable behavior is due to something emotional that needs tending, not eradicating. That behavior is his signal to you that he needs help. Remember, he’s having a problem, not being a problem.
What children need from us is our guidance and leadership. They need us to keep them safe, set the guidelines, and make the decisions they cannot be expected to make. They should never be expected to act like a grown-up, know better, understand tooth decay, want to do their homework, go to bed, or hurry up and get out the door in the morning. Their stage of development tells you how much they are focused only on their immediate experience. We must trust that they want to be successful, that they want to please us, the most important people in their lives. They want to learn; they want to find their paths. It’s when we get in their way with our own agendas, our critical tones, and our disapproving eyes that they conclude that the most important people in their lives can’t be trusted – so they look to their peers.
Guidance and leadership do not involve engaging in power struggles to prove your rightness and put down their arguments. It does not mean punishing them, taking away their favorite things, isolating or grounding them – making them feel miserable and thinking that will motivate them to do better. Our intentions are well placed; the methods we traditionally use to motivate are misguided and wrong. They send our children right down the track we most fear. They leave our children floundering in a world of unpredictability, distrusting that we will be there to listen when they face problems.
Practice being; practice trusting. Talk 75% less. Start by simply listening and truly hearing what your kids are trying to tell you, even and especially when you don’t like the noise they are making. Let them know when you don’t like something but resist criticizing and telling them what to do. “I don’t like that” can be heard a lot more easily than “You can’t hit your sister.” Oh yeah, watch me!
Be sure and check out Bonnie’s podcast Tell Me About Your Kids wherever you find podcasts. Episodes are 1:1 sessions with parents like you.
Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting, is a child behavior and parenting specialist. Her two books are When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live (Toadstool and Amazon). Bonnie offers individual parent counseling, parenting workshops, professional trainings and speaking engagements internationally. Bonnie founded The Parent Guidance Center, now The River Center, in Peterborough where she teaches. To set up an in-person or online coaching session, email her at bh@bonnieharris.com. You can sign up for her email newsletter on her website bon nieharris.com.