This column is being published on Election Day. I count myself in the ranks of the heavily distracted humans. But I don’t have young children at home. I feel for all of you who do – actually, I feel for your children. Between electing our next president, the skyrocketing numbers of this pandemic, the bleak winter ahead, remote school, our climate portending doom for our children, is it any wonder you are distracted, stressed, and on edge.
Everything about our lives today distracts us from what is important – connecting with our inner cores so we can better connect with others, especially our children. This is what we have and what we will always have. A less distracted parent is a better model for calmer more focused children. When parents are rushed and anxious, children feel stressed and resistant.
When you are present, you are better able to mirror for your children their true selves so when they are out of control, angry, jealous, disappointed, they can come back to who they see mirrored in your eyes. If your gaze is clouded with anger, frustration, confusion, and blame, they see themselves as not good enough for you. But when your eyes see who they are beneath all their surface behavior, they know that self is fully accepted and gotten. There is nothing more essential for the well-being of your children.
Here are a few thoughts to get you grounded:
1 – Be more, teach less. Don’t try to teach your children lessons all the time. That only leads to stress and worry. Children learn best from modeling, from being in those precious moments when they feel connected to their parents, which happens best during “being” time. Give a little bit of it everyday.
2 – Accept the child you have. “If only…”, “Why me?”, “He never…”, and “Here we go again” can fill your days and keep you disconnected. Pay attention to who your child is and what she is attempting to say instead of wishing she were different. Think, what is she trying to tell me and what is she trying to teach me
3 – Practice mindfulness. You don’t have to sit and meditate to be in the moment. Simply focus on the dish you are washing, the floor you are vacuuming, each article of clothing you are folding. See your child through the words and emotions he is expressing without jumping to conclusions.
4 – Pay attention even when what you hear is unpleasant. Your child is always attempting to tell you something but doesn’t have the maturity to say it in a way you can easily understand. His words and actions often need interpreting. Don’t take them literally. Be curious about what is provoking the behavior.
5 – Practice “the pause”. Don’t react to teach your child a lesson. Stop, breathe, wait, and think. Your automatic reaction will be ineffective at best, damaging at worst. Breathe deeply to get your breath down into your body so you can drop back into your body. Then come back to the situation when you’re both calm.
6 – Establish unplugged zones and times of day for all of you. For instance, device-free zones in the car, mealtime, family playtime, bedtime. And placed at charging stations, not in bedrooms for the night.
7 – Under-schedule your children. Put value on hanging out and being bored. Creativity doesn’t arise when a child is scheduled and adult-directed.
8 – Learn to interpret your children’s behavior. It’s only the tip of the iceberg. Behavior you don’t like is always provoked by your child’s emotional state. Put your focus on your child’s emotional state rather than her behavior.
9 – Accept yourself. Negative beliefs about yourself, “I’m not good enough,” “I can’t do this”, etc. come from messages you learned long ago. They are not true. You only thought they were. Do not try to be the perfect parent. Who wants to live with a perfect parent!
10 – Accept your emotions as well as your child’s. Despite what you may have learned, emotions are ALWAYS okay. Even when depressed and despondent, stay with it. Emotions teach and can be a call to action. Never blame your emotions or behavior on your child.
11 – Positive self-talk. Get in the habit of staying present with something like, “I can deal with this,” “This too shall pass,” “It’s not the end of the world” or “I’m having a hard time right now.” The one constant is that everything changes.
12 – Stop yourself from catastrophizing. It’s easy to soar into the future in a nano-second when your children provoke fear and anger. Check yourself when you have thoughts like, “He’ll be in jail by the time he’s fifteen,” “She’ll never have any friends,” “He can’t ever finish anything.” We convince ourselves of the worst.
13 – Learn to say no. Many mothers were brought up to believe that doing for others equals being a good person. Parenting is the toughest job there is. Especially for working parents, especially now. Prioritize the needs of you and your family.
14 – Care for yourself. You cannot be present when you wish you were elsewhere. You can’t fuel your child until you fuel yourself. Find ways and times to fill your cup and nourish yourself so you can nourish your children.
Never has there been a more important time to hunker down, focus on your family, and let go of anything that does not work for you. Acknowledge the stress every one is under. Don’t expect model behavior from any one in your family now.
Be sure and check out Bonnie’s podcast “Tell Me About Your Kids” where ever you find podcasts. Each episode is a 1:1 session with a struggling parent.
Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting, is a child behavior and parenting specialist. Her two books are When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live (Toadstool and Amazon). Bonnie offers individual parent counseling, parenting workshops, professional trainings and speaking engagements internationally. Bonnie founded The Parent Guidance Center, now The River Center, in Peterborough where she teaches. To set up an in-person or online coaching session, email her at bh@bonnieharris.com. You can sign up for her email newsletter on her website bonnieharris.com.