We are deep in the campaigns for the coming presidential election. Silly as it may sound, I wonder about a strange world in which people ran for Parent. Might make an interesting sci-fi movie. Humor me for a moment. Imagine if you were up for re-election as parent of your family. Would your children vote you, the incumbent, back into office if presented with an opposition candidate? If so, what are the attributes you possess that give them faith in your ability to lead? What might they be looking for in a new candidate? My point is that we didn’t choose our children and they sure didn’t choose us. But what if…?
I often ask parents to step into their children’s shoes and answer these questions, How would you describe your parents to me? Do you think they accept you for who you are, or do you think they’d rather you were different? How? What do you think you would say – in all honesty?
If you were running for re-election, would you make any changes or promises? Imagine if you clearly stated your policies, standards, expectations, and values to make a case to your family why you were the best candidate. Imagine if you had to make a case for how you would provide what your children need in order for each of them to attain their best.
Your qualifications are solid. You are the incumbent. It is the rare child who would choose differently. But are you proud of your parenting? Is your child at his best under your guidance? Are you making tough decisions alone or with checks and balances in place to insure you are doing what is best for the family? Are your children cooperating with your leadership or demonstrating against your policies? If one is loudly protesting are you willing to look at your practices and offer changes or are you campaigning to your base?
Family leadership requires making decisions and creating policies that work for all. Sometimes a family member disagrees with policy and sometimes a protest erupts. Disagreeing with authority is every family member’s right. This means giving your children a voice and listening to opinions – not necessarily agreeing. Sometimes information or passion may change the particular policy and sometimes not but having the right to dissent, to be heard keeps a democratic family stable.
Protest and rebellion against authority is quite another thing. Insubordination and refusal signal unrest in the family system. When disagreements and arguments are not heard and considered, rebellion and insurrection can result. These protests are different from inevitable disagreements, disappointments and anger that soon disappear. These rebellions show up in subversive ways – lying, stealing, sneaking, finding ways to “get away with it” – when the answer to requests are an assumed ‘no’ with no opportunity to argue one’s case. Soon peers are chosen as the authority and parents lose control and influence.
When misbehavior is chronic and rebellion is in the air, change is needed from the top. Negotiation and evaluation of policies are required to maintain peace. Protests need their day in court to be heard by the authorities.
Think about life in your family when you were a child. Go back to standing in your child’s shoes. What change in policy would you like to see? How would you feel if your parents saw your resistance as a signal that something is amiss and paid better attention? What would it be like if you and your parents sat down to negotiate certain situations and you felt heard? What if you got to tell your side of the story?
Autocrats refuse change. Change means loss of power and control. Vulnerability equals weakness and pain. Autocrats implement policies that are for their own good, not the good of the whole. It’s their way or the highway. If you maintain power in your family due to fear of losing control, your children may choose the highway before they have good judgment about the dangers of oncoming traffic.
Ineffective, weak leaders leave their constituents floundering. They fear disappointing anyone, so accomplish little, and create unrest. When there is no clear leader, dissent arises out of fear and insecurity. If you do not accept your own authority in your family, if you are afraid to make decisions that could result in your child’s disappointment or meltdown, your family lacks structure and leadership.
The good news is that you have the opportunity to change, because no one is threatening your position. The bad news is that since no one is running against you, you don’t have to change a thing. You can continue the status quo, because you will always be the incumbent. What will your choice be? Will you look to your next term as business as usual or as a new opportunity?
Imagine yourself as the parent you imagined yourself to be. Imagine being willing to let go of fear and allow the voices of your children to influence a new path. Imagine owning your authority, modeling confidence, and recreating a family structure that fosters hope and mutual cooperation and respect. Creating change requires determination, willingness to learn, and valued advisors. Are you willing to expand your vision, learn new ways, and listen to the voices of dissent? It’s hard work – especially when you are all stuck together, and you have little opportunity for breathers – but it’s worth every step.
Know that you would be reelected by a landslide. The analogy really isn’t so far-fetched, is it?
Announcement:
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Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting, is a child behavior and parenting specialist. Her two books are “When Your Kids Push Your Buttons” and “Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live “(Toadstool and Amazon). Bonnie offers individual parent counseling, parenting workshops, professional trainings and speaking engagements internationally. Bonnie founded The Parent Guidance Center, now The River Center, in Peterborough where she teaches. To set up an in-person or online coaching session, email her at bh@bonnieharris.com. You can sign up for her email newsletter on her website bonnieharris.com.