Developing a generous spirit in children is a process that can’t exactly be taught. It must be experienced. So much of becoming generous, appreciative, and respectful is how it is modeled and what is important to you. Are you generous (that doesn’t mean buying presents), grateful, appreciative, and respectful of your children and of others? If not, this is where to start. We think we can just tell our children to be grateful and to think more of others. We even try to demand it with yelling and disrespectful threats. It doesn’t work that way.
Children naturally love to give things to others and watch faces light up. It is quite empowering when children take an active role in giving. But don’t mistakenly expect that young children will naturally want to be generous and considerate of others. That expectation will lead to anger and reprimands when you see natural egocentricity, and it seems that all they care about is what they get. That is generally how it is and when they are reprimanded for their egocentricity, they tend to grab what they can get more than normal.
Think instead, Of course my child only cares about the presents he will get, the size of the piece of cake I give him, what is going to happen to him. Young children only have the capacity for empathy and consideration of others (which is in place by two) when everything is going their way. But if any stressor is present — if another child has something she wants — egocentricity takes over and her concern is for herself. All this means that the more she feels understood, gotten, supported and validated in her egocentric world, the sooner she will be able to reach out of her world to see and empathize with others.
When children are in their toddler and preschool years, it’s important, even though inconvenient, to take them with you when you shop, or include them in thinking about what you will be giving to people they know. Get them used to the idea that you are giving gifts to others as well as them. As they get older, get them involved in giving gifts to the other parent, siblings, and close relatives. These are either things you buy or things they can make. When they are old enough to have their own money (having an allowance is essential), encourage purchasing a small gift for those they care about the most.
To get kids in the mindset of gift giving this year, you might:
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When your kids do give a gift or offer help, be sure and acknowledge their generous spirit — and certainly take in the look on their faces when their gifts and help are received.
Generosity grows slowly and gradually. What you will see in your mature child is not what you can expect when they are young, even teenagers. But never discount the importance and influence of your behavior on their future tendencies. Regardless of how they act now, your job is to model the type of person you want your children to become.
Be sure and check out Bonnie’s podcast Tell Me About Your Kids wherever you find podcasts. Episodes are 1:1 sessions with parents like you.
Bonnie Harris is a parenting specialist who teaches and speaks internationally and at The River Center in Peterborough. For in person or online parent coaching, email her at bh@bonnieharris.com.