You want to interact and make connection when your kids get home from school. Your kids do too but you probably have different ideas about how to do that.
You’ve missed them, you want to know what they did all day, how they got along, if they had any problems. Some kids love to talk about school. So there’s no problem. But for the ones who don’t, questions feel like an interrogation. If it’s hard to elicit information from your child, heed the following no, nos.
1. How was school today?
2. What do you have for homework?
3. When are you going to do your homework?
4. What did you get on the test?
5. What did you learn today?
They most likely want to forget the school day and just relax. They have just spent a long hard day meeting (or not) expectations, doing things they might not want to do, following orders, coping for hours, and hopefully working hard and learning. The last they want to do is go back over it all. They need a break. They need to know here is the place where I can be myself. They need to chill.
Each of these five questions is filled with an expectation.
1. How was school?
What if school was terrible? Your child may or may not want to tell you because he has a picture of exactly how you will react with his answer. Does he want to tell you the truth, upset you and stir up more questions? Or will he lie because he wants to make you happy so you won’t do the above. Even if it all went well, he doesn’t want to go through the details.
Safest answer: “Fine.”
2. What do you have for homework?
Homework is the last thing she wants to think about right now. She might be thinking, Do you really expect me to work all the time? You must think I’m stupid. Get off my back. Your child has many more important things on her mind once she is out of school, and it’s likely that none of them have to do with homework. You’ve just lost her.
Safest answer: “I don’t have any” or “I did it already.”
3. When are you going to do your homework?
Your child hears from this question that all you care about is homework and grades. Is that true? Make sure you’re not policing your child’s homework time. Establish ground rules about homework at the beginning of each year. With your guidance, allow your child to determine the best time and place to do homework. Keep it as consistent as possible and let him know you’re there for help. But let him be in charge of his homework. He can deal with the consequences at school.
Safest answer: “Later.”
4. What did you get on the test?
Asking about grades sends the message to your child that your approval comes in grades as well. If your child did well, he will be thrilled to tell you without the question. If he did poorly, what does he expect your response to be? Will he get grounded, a privilege removed, extra homework time piled on? If he got a D, do you get a D in parenting?
Safest answer: “We didn’t get it back.”
5. What did you learn today?
Talking about what your child is learning is a subject worthy of discussion – at a later time. Do be involved in your child’s learning, let her know you care and are interested in what she learns, learn along with her, but save the talk until she brings it up or until it is a logical discussion during homework time or perhaps dinner.
Safest answer: “Nothing.”
Just take a few minutes and think about what you want to do when you get home from work. Do you want to rehash the day with your spouse? It’s very likely you will want to go over aspects of your day for support or feedback. But probably not when you walk in the door. And probably not until you bring it up.
Instead of these questions, think about what your child really wants to hear and try, “I’m so happy to see you!” “I’m so glad you’re home!” “Would you like something to eat?” You might even tell him something about your day. Give him break time. Let him decide when and what he wants to talk to you about. When you have consideration for the break your child may need, he will likely open up to more than any response you’d get from direct questions.
Be sure and check out Bonnie’s podcast Tell Me About Your Kids wherever you find podcasts. Episodes are 1:1 sessions with parents like you.
Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting, is a child behavior and parenting specialist. Her two books are When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live (Toadstool and Amazon). Bonnie offers individual parent counseling, parenting workshops, professional trainings and speaking engagements internationally. Bonnie founded The Parent Guidance Center, now The River Center, in Peterborough where she teaches. To set up an in-person or online coaching session, email her at bh@bonnieharris.com. You can sign up for her email newsletter on her website bonnieharris.com.