Simone Biles’ withdrawal from the Olympics due to the pressure of being the best is a lesson for all parents. Biles was “struggling with the stress of being the greatest gymnast in history, and outside expectations were just too hard to combat,” NY Times. I doubt your children have that kind of stress, but it’s worth taking an inventory of what pressures they do feel. What expectations are they trying to meet?
“This Olympic Games, I wanted it to be for myself when I came in – and I felt like I was still doing it for other people,” Biles, 24, said. “So that just, like, hurts my heart because doing what I love has been kind of taken away from me to please other people.”
We want our children to find what they love and get enormous pleasure and fulfillment from it. I doubt if anyone would disagree. But to attain that, your children must find their own drive, their own motivation, at their own time. It doesn’t happen on your timetable or by doing what you think they should do to achieve. You may be all for what your child loves. But can you get out of the way? Can you let her make mistakes, sometimes big ones, even if you see them coming? Can you allow him to do what he thinks is best to get what he wants even if you are sure your path would get him there quicker?
Especially if you have a Harmony Child – that easy kid who makes you feel like a great parent because he can adapt to what you want, hates conflict and so wants to make you happy – pay attention to what you expect. The downside of harmony kids is the people-pleasing aspect. Of course, if you’re on the world stage like Simone Biles, it’s hard to avoid no matter what your temperament.
We often don’t realize the expectations we put on our children because we’re coming from an adult perspective. It’s hard to know what your child feels when you tell her what you think is best, when she feels the pressure to stay on the baseball team because you told her that she’s made a commitment and must see it through. If she has discovered she hates the pressure of being on a team, of worrying about what other kids think when she never hits the ball, there are going to be negative consequences when she feels pressured to stay – ones you hadn’t considered.
Some kids can deal with that peer pressure, it can even be motivating, and some are cut out for solo activities. How do you know what your child needs to excel? Are you a Tiger parent who pushes your kids to excel, to do extra work to get ahead, to be the best, to make you proud? Or do you not get involved at all with your kids’ activities, never go to a game, never celebrate the gains? These are opposite ends of the same spectrum. Your goal is to find a comfortable place in the middle – that place where sometimes you push and sometimes pull back.
Finding middle ground means:
■Really knowing who your child is, what motivates him and what loads on too much pressure.
■Not pushing to the point of anxiety, yet not protecting and avoiding what causes stress.
■Discovering where that push/pull line is with your child. That means continue to ask. Talk about it and don’t assume. Always consider your child’s opinions.
■Finding the way to your child and how he communicates best rather than making him meet you and your expectations.
■Not assuming you know best.
■Understanding the meaning of behavior and what it tells you about the emotional state of your child.
■Never using punitive tactics to hold power and anger over your child.
■Teaching less, being more. Learn how to let go of what you think is right. Just because you’re the parent doesn’t mean you are.
■Trusting your child to know and care about herself and her future. When she’s little that means being fully in the moment with what she wants. As she gets older, it means it’s still all about her. Meet her in her reality.
■Never expect consideration for others until you are fully considerate of your child.
■Making sure your expectations are realistic and age appropriate. When they reflect more of what you want, there is danger of setting your child up for failure. That means your child may perceive he can never meet up to what you expect. And that can mean a lifelong search to fill the hole of being a disappointment.
Biles said, “At the end of the day … we have to protect our mind in our body rather than just go out there and do what the world wants us to do … Four or five years ago … (I) would have suffered through the competition despite being in mental turmoil, even chancing a serious injury. But not this time.”
Make sure your kids feel free to find their own way, so they don’t need to learn how to take care of themselves after years of mental turmoil and the joy of what they love gets taken away to please others. For Simone, that led her to dropping out of the Olympics. For many, they push on through addictions, depression, mental illness, overachieving to prove oneself, unable to drop out for self-care. Society puts more and more pressure on parents to push kids to success through homework, extracurriculars, and keeping up with other families. Don’t buy into it. You may find your child falling too far to get back up.
Be sure and check out Bonnie’s podcast “Tell Me About Your Kids,” wherever you find podcasts. Episodes are 1:1 sessions with parents like you.
Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting, is a child behavior and parenting specialist. Her two books are When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live (Toadstool and Amazon). Bonnie offers individual parent counseling, parenting workshops, professional trainings and speaking engagements internationally. Bonnie founded The Parent Guidance Center, now The River Center, in Peterborough where she teaches. To set up an in-person or online coaching session, email her at bh@bonnieharris.com. You can sign up for her email newsletter on her website bonnieharris.com.