A new year is upon us with high hopes for big change. There is a light at the end of the Covid tunnel. Our bar is a little lower than in previous years. Being able to gather again with family, friends and neighbors will bring us great joy. Going to restaurants and movie theaters without thinking about it will be a luxury. Gathering together for dinner or playdates inside a friend’s house will feel downright amazing. Who would have thought last year at this time that these rather normal life pleasures would be so out of reach to us now?
Because of the abnormal circumstances of our time, we have had to very intentionally adjust our expectations of what we can and cannot do, of connecting socially, of what staying safe means. Many have lost loved ones to a disease we never expected could take life so quickly. Wearing masks and standing far away from people has been an unpleasant adjustment. Not being able to hug a loved one has changed how we think about greetings and being together.
Humans are social and physical people. We are not accustomed to standing back, sitting far away from another, talking with others whose mouths and noses are covered and not seeing their full facial expressions. Initially it seems wrong, discourteous even. But we – well most of us – have adjusted. We quite quickly changed our new normals – what we expect to be correct, safe behavior and new ways to socialize with loved ones.
All that is to say, adjusting your expectations is imperative and doable in times of crisis. So how about adjusting your expectations of your children? When they cannot be successful meeting the expectations they perceive you have of them, they flounder – an unseen crisis waiting to happen. Many of our expectations are unspoken, unintentional. They typically generate from the expectations we grew up with or what decisions we made that worked for us. We tend to pass them on without much thought. But what worked (or didn’t) for you might not work at all for your child. As in the pandemic, they need to be intentionally set for the child or the situation at hand.
When children believe they can’t be who you want them to be (often the result of unexamined and inappropriate expectations), they come to believe they are just not good enough, can’t ever get it right, are unlovable, stupid, etc. Often what your kids think about themselves is the last thing in the world you would intend. So becoming aware of and adjusting your expectations can be critical to their wellbeing.
Look at what you have been capable of this past year. What it took was trusted information to change so much of how you live. What about information regarding the development and temperament of your children? Would new information motivate you to change your expectations of them?
What if you learned that the child you thought was defiant, rude, and disobedient had a particular temperament that meant she could not, instead of would not, meet the requests you made of her – unless asked in a very different way. If you saw her instead as highly sensitive to feeling controlled, to making transitions, to being told what to do. Wouldn’t you want to learn how to respond to her better and thus adjust your expectations of what she can and cannot do?
Do you ever find yourself expecting your older child to act mature and reasonable in comparison to the younger child – even though he is only three? Our expectations are influenced by our past and by what we assume society expects of us. They are rarely set according to the individual child we are parenting.
You may even expect your children to be considerate and respectful even though you do not model consideration and respect toward them. Any person young or old who is stressed, who has maxed out on their capacity of self-control, will lose it when provoked. Compare the amount of stress you can take before this happens and the amount you can expect your young child to take. Is it similar? If so, your expectation needs to be a major readjustment.
When stressed, a child’s ability to reason, share, show empathy and consideration is unavailable – what you know they are capable of when everything is going their way. All it takes is to have a toy grabbed away, to be told to do something they don’t want, to get a bad mark on a test, to be called a name by a supposed friend. So when you ask them to get ready for bed, their cup runneth over with built up stress. Reason is completely out of reach. This is not the time to expect them to control themselves and do what they’re told or there will be no books read tonight (exactly what the child needs most). Expectations must be adjusted when understanding that your child must go through the meltdown before reason can return.
Ask your child sometime if she thinks you expect her to be different. You might be surprised at her answer.
You have been masterful at adjusting your expectations and behaviors during this pandemic. It cannot be harder to adjust the expectations you hold of your children so they can meet them successfully. In both cases, the adjustment lies inside each of us. Be intentional with your expectations and you can change your life.
Be sure and check out Bonnie’s podcast Tell Me About Your Kids wherever you find podcasts. Each episode is a 1:1 session with a struggling parent.
Bonnie Harris, MS Ed, director of Connective Parenting, is a child behavior and parenting specialist. Her two books are When Your Kids Push Your Buttons and Confident Parents, Remarkable Kids: 8 Principles for Raising Kids You’ll Love to Live (Toadstool and Amazon). Bonnie offers individual parent counseling, parenting workshops, professional trainings and speaking engagements internationally. Bonnie founded The Parent Guidance Center, now The River Center, in Peterborough where she teaches. To set up an in-person or online coaching session, email her at bh@bonnieharris.com. You can sign up for her email newslet ter on her website bonnieharris.com.