Jenna and Mario Agate think about their first-born son Kayden every day. Every day since his death in 2016 is still painful for the Rindge couple – but they don’t want to forget.
The couple, along with a handful of other families, held a vigil in Rindge Thursday, which was the national day for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance. It’s an event Jenna said she hopes to do annually, and to see it grow. Jenna said she knows it’s often a taboo topic to talk about miscarriage or infant loss, and that one of her goals is to overturn that stigma. Not only because she doesn’t want to forget her son, or the other baby she lost at nine weeks of pregnancy, but because she knows there are many women out there who have experienced what she has, and don’t talk about it.
“They’re not alone,” Jenna said. “As hard as it is, being able to talk about it helps. It’s a way of reminding people he was here. He was alive.”
Kayden Agate was born on Feb. 5, 2016. Jenna said there had been complications toward the end of her pregnancy. She now believes she started to leak amniotic fluid at some point a few weeks before Kayden was born, but despite knowing there was something amiss and several visits to the doctor, her physician didn’t induce labor until two weeks later. At that point, she said, she had developed an infection in her placenta and uterus for which she wasn’t treated.
It was a difficult birth, Jenna said, and she lost a lot of blood. But at the end, they had Kayden – 8 pounds, 7 ounces, pink, active and with a healthy cry.
“He was fine,” Jenna said. “And then at 21 hours, he started to have a hard time breathing.”
Kayden’s downturn was so fast, Mario said, that the hospital called for a helicopter to airlift the child to a bigger hospital. But by the time the helicopter arrived, Kayden had already passed away. To this day, Jenna said, they do not know what exactly went wrong.
“We have no answers,” Jenna said.
Mario said initially, he was among those people that found the loss of his child too difficult to discuss.
“I had a hard time talking about it,” Mario admitted. “She would talk about him a lot, and sometimes I would get upset.”
Mario said he knew that he wouldn’t ever forget Kayden. But he realized Jenna’s way of remembering him, and letting him live on, was to talk about him.
Now, four-and-a-half years later, the Agates have two children, Ella, 3, and Gianni, who is only 13 weeks old. Ella knows she had an older brother, Jenna said, and they talk about him living in Heaven and inside of her heart, and they plan to do the same with Gianni when he’s old enough to understand. Because, Jenna said, they don’t want to erase their first son from their lives.
It’s still something that affects them every day. Now considered high-risk during her pregnancies, Jenna said Gianni’s birth, only a few months ago, was difficult, and he came out not breathing, and initially needed intensive care.
“It was a flood of emotions,” Jenna said. “We thought we were going through it all over again.” Gianni rallied, however, and is now perfectly healthy.
Mario and Jenna said mostly, it’s the “what ifs” and wondering that hurt the most. As he watches his two living children hit milestones, he knows he won’t get to see Kayden hit those same benchmarks. Jenna and Mario married the week before the vigil, and Kayden wasn’t there with them. He would be starting kindergarten this year, and just old enough to start playing sports, but that’s an experience they won’t get to have with him.
Jenna attended Wave of Light and Heart Release, an infant and child loss vigil in Massachusetts, last year. There, she lit a candle for her lost children, and Kayden’s name was put up on a memorial board. She said she knew immediately she wanted to arrange something for her own community for 2020.
“Women don’t want to talk about it,” Jenna said. “They think it’s something they have to hold it. But it happens more than you think. And it doesn’t just affect the parents. There are siblings, grandparents, other family.”
Over the years, Jenna said, she’s spoken to a lot of women who have also experienced pregnancy or infant loss.
“I’ve had a lot of women tell me how strong I am or that they wish more people could talk about it openly. I have my days, and I sometimes cry or have a bad day, but it’s a good feeling to talk about him in a positive way,” Jenna said.
This year’s event was small, Jenna said, with a short speech and participants lighting candles and holding a moment of silence for children they were remembering. Jenna said she plans to hold the vigil again next year, and to find a way to commemorate the names of those children the vigil is commemorating.
“This is something positive,” Jenna said. “Something in his name, to help other people.”
Ashley Saari can be reached at 924-7172 ext. 244 or asaari@ledgertranscript.com. She’s on Twitter @AshleySaariMLT.