This is the time of year when everyone talks about gratitude. What are we grateful for? How do we teach our children gratitude? How can we be more grateful for all we have?
Although I have not had a great loss in my life since I was young, I have friends with losses who say with all sincerity and understanding:
Appreciate what you have, live every moment like it’s your last, be thankful for your husband, kids etc. Why is it that we can’t fully follow this advice that we know is so right? Is it because we can’t fully appreciate what we have until we experience loss? Without the loss staring us in the face, it’s hard to know what it’s like.
I believe my life has been blessed. I have a loving husband, two wonderful, successful and happy children, and now three amazingly adorable grandchildren. I see my children often considering they live several hours away, and we have happy, connected relationships. I have a beautiful home on a beautiful hill with many great friends in a great community.
Despite all this, I find it comes easier to gripe and complain than it does to be immersed in gratitude. Consciously I can give thanks for my abundance, but unconsciously I find myself wondering what if…, if only…, I wish I had…wouldn’t I be happier if…. Is it who I am—my temperament?
I read an article once describing research findings on two basic types of people: Those who are happy with, or accepting of, the choices they make and where they are in life and others who always wonder what if and gaze longingly at the greener grass on the other side of the fence. It struck me that I am in the latter category.
On one hand I believe that living in that If only… mindset keeps me free of complacency and always pushes me to move forward. On the other hand, it gets tiring to always be wishing for something I don’t have — to never be completely satisfied.
Does this mean I don’t accept myself, my choices, my life, even when I know how lucky I am? I consider myself a happy person. I laugh a lot and have fun. But there’s always the niggling, You haven’t done quite enough.
I would be the first to say this assumption is based on a belief I took in about myself as a child from a father who held very high expectations of me. We did not have a connected relationship, and I spent many years finding my voice and my purpose.
So those of you for whom gratitude comes easily and naturally — count your blessings. Oh right, you do that anyway. And for those of us who are wishing for things to be different, I ask us to consider these questions:
·What do you really want to be different?
·What do you think you would have if those things were different?
·What are you afraid of if you were to relax into what you do have and let go of what you want to be different?
Mindfulness is the art of being present — in the moment. For many of us, we need to practice this daily; it doesn’t come naturally. Not just at this time of year. So to those of us who tend towards If only thinking, the conscious practice of acceptance and gratitude is important. But we also need to give ourselves a break and stop thinking we should be different, better, happier, more grateful. We can also be grateful that we always hold a new horizon ahead of us to keep us from simply settling. If things really should be different in your life, be grateful that you can make the changes you need. Complacency doesn’t usually allow for that.
When you see your children wishing for what they don’t have, instead of thinking how ungrateful they are, think instead how active their energy and imaginations are. Even point out to them that the positive side of their wishing will always keep them moving ahead and what a wonderful trait that is.
The down side is that always wishing for things to be different does get tiring. But when you state the facts like that rather than judge them for not being grateful enough, they can think about the good side and the bad. And kids who think the grass is greener — But everybody has that. I have to have it. — still have the capacity to be grateful as well. Both qualities can live side by side.
So try being grateful that your kids are exactly who they are and see what happens in your relationship. If we start with acceptance, it will be easier to see the greening of the grass on our side of the fence.
Parent Wise Columnist Bonnie Harris, M.S.Ed,. is the director of Connective Parenting. She founded The Parent Guidance Center, now The River Center, in Peterborough, where she teaches. Email bh@bonnie harris.com.