Loretta J. Ross had advice for any parents in her audience in Peterborough on Saturday.

“If you respond impulsively to your children when they get to you, they’ll be in therapy for life,” said Ross, who spoke to a full room at the Unitarian Universalist Church and signed copies of her book “Calling In: How to Start Making Change with Those You'd Rather Cancel.”

The associate professor at Smith College and 2022 MacArthur Fellow discussed the intent of her book, which is to encourage people to engage with those they disagree with as a way to get them to examine their ideas rather than arguing with them. Ross cited getting on social media as the catalyst for her considering this approach to discourse in earnest. 

“Once I got on Facebook, I saw how mean people were, saying stuff online they would never say to someone in person,” she said. “People were calling other people out everywhere. They were speaking out of anger.” 

She referred to some such rants as virtue signaling.

“People like to show ‘Here’s how woke I am,’” she said, and cautioned against the consequences, including cancel culture. “This can cause people to lose their jobs, their reputations, but it only harms people who can’t afford big PR firms to fight back.”

Instead of calling people out with whom one disagrees, Ross suggests calling the person in -- into a conversation. Upon hearing a comment that seems outrageous, she offered a possible response.

“I can’t believe you really meant that -- could we have a conversation about it?” she said.

By asking someone to think through their words, you give that person an opportunity to grow, she said. A shorter response could also work to get someone to rethink a comment: “I beg your pardon?”

When someone speaks dismissively of immigrants seeking a better life in this country, Ross suggests another response. “Have you ever been in a situation when you needed some help?”

“Our egos tell us that we’ll find the magic to change people,” Ross said, but added that this is hard to do by meeting harsh words with criticism, because “People only listen to people they trust. If you call them out, they won’t trust you.”

She offered another response to a comment that could incite or offend.: “I’m pretty sure there's another way you could have expressed that - what’s going on?”

Ross recalled one time when she called out President Barack Obama publicly. The Hyde Amendment forbids federal funds to be used for abortion except in certain cases, and when Obama did not push for its repeal, she criticized him when a newspaper sought a comment from her. Ross has been public about being the victim of sexual assault, and said Saturday that she quipped to a reporter too impulsively.

“The Washington Times was more than happy to get a Black woman criticizing Obama,” she said. 

“Instead of responding right away, take a deep breath,” she suggested, adding that accommodating other people shouldn’t be limited to acquaintances and interlocutors. “Offer the same compassion to a grocery clerk as you might to a friend. You never know what someone’s been through, so handle your passion with compassion.”

Ross conceded that there are some people who communicate in bad faith.

“Some people lie, they troll, they gaslight others,” she said, adding that in such situations, it’s OK to not engage someone, which instead of calling in, she said is “calling it off.” Ross admitted that “There are some people I might never want to have a conversation with.”

Recalling the lunch counter sit-ins of the Civil Rights Movement that employed nonconfrontational responses to tense situations, Ross reflected on the present, and the choice of how to respond to uncomfortable moments.

“As a society, this is our lunch counter moment,” she said.

“Calling In” is Ross’ third book, so she is no stranger to putting her ideas into the public, but she wants people to think carefully when disagreeing with others.

“You can say what you mean, and mean what you say, but you don’t have to say it meanly,” she said.